You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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