sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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