I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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