My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
