why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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