Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize