now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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