That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
