I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
