Can Purell be used as lube?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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