A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
