apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
In America we eat man semen.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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