I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she pinky promised me she was 18
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
