i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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