Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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