if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
