i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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