I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
