She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
