Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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