Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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