It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
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