How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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