I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
