Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
