he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
