Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
