I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
