Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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