I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
