Umm I'm too high to move.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
