Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
