hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I did not marry a roomba.
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