I have demons in me.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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