She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
