I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
