All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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