M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
