k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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