census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize