I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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