The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm like, not good at living.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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