Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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