i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
