Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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