News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
