Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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