Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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