I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
