Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
and she was petting her beer can
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize