I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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