so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
