I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
